My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
