Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
