I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
