I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
