I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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