i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
