new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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