I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
