You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
