This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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