dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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