I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
