mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
