I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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