fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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