worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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