Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
