Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize