My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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