I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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