Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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