I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would ride that face into the sunset
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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