after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She needs sedatives and a leash
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize