There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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