update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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