o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
