I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
