planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
