My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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