he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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