Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
