you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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