ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
