apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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