I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
