I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
