I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
