my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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