Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
