there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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