Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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