did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize