...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
