he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
