If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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