Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I FOUND THE LEGS
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
