you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
