My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
