I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
