We named our party play list daddy issues
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
