Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize