I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
