I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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