allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
