I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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