Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
