I can text with my tongue
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
